All of Me

As you probably know from previous blog posts, I am taking the summer to work on my health after being diagnosed with an inflammatory condition called costochondritis. This condition has caused a lot of physical pain and difficulty as well as caused some emotional difficulty for me. For more on this journey please read two of my previous posts, "My Health Story" and "Operation Me!"

Last week as part of my summer project to work on my health, I took a spirit flow yoga class at the Tai Chi Acupuncture and Wellness Center in the North Shore of Massachusetts where I reside. I highly recommend this venue as the space is amazing and the community is very supportive.

The flow class was too much for me physically at this time and I had to modify most of the poses. However, I still got so much out of the class. And this is what this post is about because on this journey of healing I am realizing it is about so much more than just the healing of the physical pain.

At the start of the class the instructor had us sit in a circle around a deck of past life cards and pick a card to open our practice. The card I received made no sense to me but she asked us to just keep the cards and think about them during our practice and see if the meaning came to us at all.

My card was the "nun or monk" card. Throughout the practice I thought a lot about the card and what it could mean but decided I must have gotten a card not meant for me. And I was feeling that all of this past life stuff was garbage (did I mention it was a hard yoga class for me?! I think my struggles with the poses rubbed off on my mood.)

At the end of the practice we sat in the circle again and the instructor passed around the book that describes each card's meaning. Color me surprised! I read and re-read the write up because I couldn't believe how spot on it was for me!!

To summarize the card stated that because of a past life I now have the tendency to isolate myself from others and that I might sometimes feel most comfortable when by myself. It went on to state that this may not be what I want and that it may be interfering with current relationships without me knowing why I tend to isolate.

Well, I have been struggling with introversion my whole life. As an adult (and a therapist) I have worked hard to understand and manage it. I definitely have the skills to not isolate yet I tend to do it even when I don't really want to. So while I may not be rushing to make an appointment with a past life regressionist, I am going to add working on connecting more with others to my summer project, Operation Me!

I am so excited to see where else this journey takes me!!





**Note for those with costochondritis or other chronic pain: Please, please, if you get anything from my posts, please remember to be very careful with any physical activity, alternative treatments, or changes in diet. Each of us is at a different stage of healing/pain and the pain can very so much from one person to another and from one day to another (as you know!). For this reason each of us will react differently to different treatments. Please make sure you are under the guidance of health care professionals knowledgeable about costochondritis or your particular ailment before embarking on your own journey.

Operation Me!

Today was the first day of my summer vacation and I'm feeling so positive about a new change I am going to make - Operation Me! Last year I worked throughout the summer as a clinician. But this year has brought a new challenge - costochondritis. This is a relatively rare health condition that is defined as inflammation of the cartilage that connects the ribs to the sternum. Those who have the condition define it as hell. Plain and simple. I was officially diagnosed with this condition in October of 2015.

Costochondritis is a hard thing to try to try to explain to others. For one, it affects everyone differently. Some who have this heal with in a month or two while others have it for years (some for more than 20 years!). The pain most often occurs on the left side of the ribcage, but some (me included) have it primarily on the right. And it moves around - it's hardly ever just the left or just the right; or just the upper ribs or just the lower ribs. For some it can feel like one is experiencing a heart attack as the pain travels to the shoulder and arm as well as the sternum. It can cause shortness of breath, anxiety, rapid heart rates, and inflammation and swelling.

This illness can be debilitating at times and can wreak havoc on one physically and emotionally. For me, I found it to be quite a shock to my way of life. I have always prided myself on being a hard worker, extremely independent, a go-getter, a goal-oriented person, and a "supermom." Suddenly I was forced to not be able to do my normal day to day activities, call out of work at times, miss family events, rely on others more than I would have liked, lay down and rest, and focus on my health. I had some tough moments. I wasn't depressed but some days I was feeling very down and very emotional. I had some bouts of anxiety that would send my heart racing and my emotions soaring.

Through all of this, though, I learned a few positive things. First I was reminded day in and day out about how many people in my life love and care for me. They were willing to do anything and everything for me. I didn't always let them (did I mention that I am very stubborn?). I had just gotten married last July and this was not how I had envisioned my marriage - I felt I was letting my husband down. I worried I was going to feel like this forever and wondering if he would have married me had this started before I had gotten married. I was overcome with sadness and tears every time I had to miss my kids' events or when I couldn't drive them somewhere or when I had to ask them to be careful when the hugged me. I felt I was letting my family and friends down when I didn't go to family events or when I didn't want to even pick up the phone to say hello because I had nothing positive to say that day (which I learned wasn't true). It was a very tough place to be during the hardest months of this illness.

The second thing I learned, and referenced above) was that no matter how terrible the pain was or how hard of a day it had been, I could always find something to be grateful for. I dug deep and started two journals lists. The first was: things I was grateful for that day. It could be as simple as fresh water, my heating pad, my loved ones, and Netflix! But once I started writing a few items each night it got easier and easier to notice all the amazing things in my life. The second list was: a "can do" list. Costochondritis comes barreling in and makes you feel that you suddenly can't do the things you used to. Any chronic pain condition will do that and it really messes with your emotions. So I started listing the things that it hadn't taken from me. Again on some days this list was very basic! It included things like: took a bath, was able to read a book, was able to do dishes, etc. On better days the list included things that helped me feel like I was getting back to my old life: did 15 minutes of yoga, went to work, and walked the dog.

Lastly I learned that we all have mountains we have to overcome in life and they come in all shapes and sizes. I was used to overcoming other mountains and having control over managing them and coming out on top. This mountain was different for me because I had no control, the condition was relatively unknown by many doctors and other practitioners, and was virtually unheard of my most people. But somehow the human spirit perseveres and finds ways to move mountains.

I found two facebook groups of fellow costochondritis sufferers and this was the most invaluable tool for me to start to heal next to resiliency. I was able to use this venue as my place to vent when I was having a terrible day and this took some of the worries off of my loved ones. I was able to find answers, support, resources and encouragement from these groups.

Today after 8 months of costochondritis; 8 months of not one pain-free day; 8 months of ups and downs emotionally; and 8 months of learning how to care for me while trying to manage a normal life; I am going to take the next 7 weeks to kick my healing into high gear. Why 7 weeks? Because it's my summer vacation and I have 7 weeks until we leave for our "familymoon" to Iceland. We have planned and saved for this trip for a year and I am hoping to be able to to enjoy it with as little pain as possible (or maybe no pain at all!).

I have a fluid plan of what Operation Me is going to look like. It will include a minimum of 60 minutes of exercise a day (this can include gentle walks, stretching or yoga, swimming or physical therapy); eating an anti-inflammatory diet, meeting with a nutritionist who specializes in behavioral and functional medicine, getting an orthopedic massage at least once a month, meditating, using mindfulness, aromatherapy, and taking supplements.

I am still going to spend time with loved ones, do housework, blog, and run what I call "Camp Charlie" with my kids (my version of an at-home summer camp full of activities). But now that I don't have a full-time, strenuous job to deal with each day I can spend some of that time each day focused on healing.

Wish me luck! I don't know where this journey will take me but I'm looking forward to the ride. Follow me on Facebook and Instagram for updates. I am hoping that this process does two things: 1) helps me to beat costochondritis (maybe for good) and 2) helps others who are dealing with this condition or another chronic condition to find support, resources and encouragement.

Please don't hesitate to contact me at any time with questions!